when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
