You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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