I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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