You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
