the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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