Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
