happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He literally asked permission to hit on me
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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