did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
