On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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