Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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