just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
