I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
