I was born with a shot glass in my hand
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
