she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
