I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
