I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Randomize
