Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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