My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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