Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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