I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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