i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
