I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize