If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Is it penis luge time yet?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
