my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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