How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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