i permit you to call me
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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