Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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