Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
