She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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