A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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