I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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