I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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