dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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