yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
