he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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