I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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