Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
