I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
soo... how was my night?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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