i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Randomize
