So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
