it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
