I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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