I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
