they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
