i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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