Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
