I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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