if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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