i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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