I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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