Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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