But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
