sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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