actually, I'm a sock model
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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