It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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