she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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