I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
