I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
