So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
