if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
