my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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