Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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