It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
