i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
pop tarts are not kleenex
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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