I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize