he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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