I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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