I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
